Not the seasons of fall and spring but the ones that happen in families. Today I’m at the pool with Silas and Lydia. They are adorable together. Lydia is his best friend. He started to choke and she jumped right in to save him. They were doing high jump competitions and I wish I was videoing. Lydia made a huge jump and Silas starts scooping air to his mouth with an invisible spoon and says Lydia we are eating this up and they bump fists. Then both do this new thing with their fingers and say “fries.” All this kid talk has me confused but they both get it. And while this is all beautiful to watch I miss Timmy and Grace. Timmy is in the keys with Tim and his boy about troop having the time of his life and Grace has landed a new babysitting job so she’s doing that today. I wish I could freeze time, maybe even rewind a bit.

Driving home from dance last night discussing with the girls their top baby names for their kids. Grace likes Delilah, Lauren, Eleanore, Lily and Miley for a girl and for a boy Ben and Jacob. Lydia likes Meghan and Miley for a girl and Grayson, Michael and Johnny for a boy. I wonder which of these names will become little grandchildren.

Timmy is naming his son Timothy and his daughter Amelia. Hope his wife likes it.

Silas isn’t having kids. maybe this one will be a priest.

Last night Gracie’s ballet teacher held her after class to tell her she has a lot of potential and that she would like to put her up for a solo at competition.

Oh how I wish I never stopped writing. Sigh.

Silas asked just now if he could sue Timmy. Tim was like no but whyyyy? Silas says, “Because he hits all my baseballs on the roof and over the fence!” He’s six.

This morning on the way home from mass, we were looking through an envelope Bonnie from church gave to Timmy. Inside were all these trinkets from Padre Pio. She brought it all for him because she heard that he was his confirmation saint. Inside was Padre Pios healing prayer and I said Timmy remember during Covid when you asked father Ulto why he doesn’t have Padre Pios healing prayer in the bulletin and then Ms Judy gave Timmy a relic. The next Sunday the healing prayer was in the bulletin. This was six years ago. Timmy didn’t remember any of it.

It made me sad that I haven’t been writing all these memories down. I was surprised he didn’t remember that.

The girls had their special sleepover and now Timmy is having his and I think it’s so awesome that he picked his cousin.

He just came up to me and said Mom I just want to thank you so much for this sleepover party.

We watched Dennis the Menace and had grilled cheese. Then we played outside until it got dark. They had a game of red light green light and then I told them I wanted see who was the fastest. Best mom hack if you want kids to sleep.

Then we put together the sleeping quarters!

“Mommy why do you kiss boys?” Lydia asks with the most disgusted face when I kiss Tim.

“Ahhh mommy I have a crack in my body!” Lydia with her first paper cut.

Timmy: Mom can I please sleep in Gdas room? He’s just the best roommate.

Timmy: Gda do you want me to fast forward these commercials for you?

My dad: My shows don’t fast forward Timmy.

My dad: What are you gonna name the baby if it’s a girl?

Timmy: We don’t know because we are pretty positive it’s a boy.

The way Lydia says “you’re welcome” is “you pumpum”

Grace: “Mom I’m gonna go ask Gda if he wants to play checkers.” ❤️

Lydia knocked on my belly. “Knock knock hello I’m Lydia!”

We are reading a special book for Lent and Grace asks, “Mom do you think King Herod was Satans little brother?”

Grace is reading one of tgtb mini books and says oh look a dot period that’s dripping aka a comma.

We’re listening to classical music and grace says mom did you know this song is played with a French violin and that’s the B string.

I’m loading the dishwasher and from the window I see grace pushing Lydia on the swing and they’re laughing and my heart just bursts. Prettiest picture I’ve ever seen.

Tonight we were reading a book about Jesus and it says that the people were saying if you came to save sinners then you should be able to save yourself. And Timmy says but it doesn’t work that way. Jesus was not a sinner. Then we get to the part where the angel rolls away the stone and he asks me to stop so he can find that part in his bible. Watching him flip through his bible looking for the resurrection I couldn’t have been more proud. And then he found it and read it to us all.

He came over and gave me a big wet kiss on the lips and asked, “Mommy are we married now?”

He found a lone rye seed on his bagel. “Mom let’s plant it and we’ll have a bagel tree!”

Silas what are you doing? “Im watching my apple tree grow!”

He made my bed today and ran to tell me and give me a hug.

My baby isn’t a baby anymore. He’s the sweetest four year old. Loves ball caps, golf and football. His best friend is Joey. He’s got my dads eyes.

She climbed out of the front seat of my car and said, “Oh G-da let me take you with me.” Lydia grabbed his photo from the dashboard and stuffed it in her pocket as we walked into church.

Timmy what made you think of Gda that you are crying so badly? He says what! with anger. I ask him again and he says what do you mean, I think of him everyday, all the time.

It’s been 116 days since my dad died. My eyes fill up with tears every time I look at that sentence. The door to his bedroom has been locked since. It’s been 116 days but it’s really been way longer. As we enter Lent I remember last Easter was when I noticed he seemed different. He was having trouble doing everyday things. He had a terrible stomachache and didn’t eat his filet I bought him. He loved filet. He told me to put it in the freezer and he’d eat it another day. He never did eat that filet.

We did everything we could but nothing could save him. We took him to his primary doctor and they said his blood work looked good. They blamed his Parkinson’s for the neck pain. Three days later we brought him to the hospital for possible stroke. They could find nothing wrong. They kept him for observation. Except they will fail miserably in observing him.

May 10th at 6:00 I was sitting in my dads hospital room with my three kids and six months pregnant with my fourth baby. We waited an hour in the room because when I got there they needed to do an ultrasound of his heart. They asked if I wanted them to wait until I left to do it and I said no do what you need to do. I should have said yes. By the time they wheeled him back in it was time for us to go because we were on our way to see Max play baseball. He really wanted to go to Max’s game. We visited for about 10 minutes. We set him up with his dinner and put on Wheel of Fortune. He was very eager to get the show on because it was the 7,000th episode. He ate Salmon for dinner. Brandon cut it up for him. I said, “So Dad how are you doing?” And he said, “I’m fine but how are you doing?”

The nurse told us he was being discharged in the morning. That night at about 10:30 he will have a heart attack and my life will change so drastically. The pain is like no other. I could feel my heart shredding to pieces like the claw of a tiger just ripping my insides. My siblings call my phone on repeat but my phone is on silent. I get woken up by the light of a FaceTime call from my brother. He says Dad had a heart attack. And I respond oh is that what’s been causing his sickness. I didn’t understand that he meant right now dad is dying of a heart attack. Erica gets on the phone and says the dr wants to know if he has a living will. I yell no. And I fall apart.

I fall apart the whole drive to Bethesda Heart Hospital screaming to God to help me. We all pull up at the same time and a security guard brings us to a private room where we sit from 2am until 6am in silence. The doctor comes in and says he’s stable but says you do know your father has severe heart disease with 95-100% blockage in all his arteries. We were able to repair 2 and now we will freeze his body to lessen brain damage. I’ve taken care of my dad for 7 years. Never has any dr mentioned heart disease.

We walk in to see him and he is hooked up to 7 machines. He is in a coma. The dr says he won’t show any signs of recovery until they unfreeze him. It’s now May 11th. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and my moms birthday. We decide because he is still frozen that we will continue our Mother’s Day plans with my mom and take shifts sitting with Daddy. Victoria takes the first shift. I take my mom to church and home for breakfast. I’m frying bacon and the phone rings. It’s Victoria completely hysterical saying the dr just came in and said he’s not gonna make it and we need to pull off life support. I never did eat the bacon. I walked out the door and drove to see this doctor. He looked me straight in the face with his facts. And I stared right back. He asks me if I have any questions. I say no. I tell him I know what I know and he knows what he knows. I do not shake his hand. We never see that dr again. We also do not pull life support. My father still shows no sign of life. Our new address is Bethesda Heart Hospital. My parents are divorced so that leaves me decision maker. On day 7 my dad is still not awake. We see signs of life but the drs and nurses do not. Their response to any movement is that it’s just body reflexes and not purposeful.

The drs call a family meeting on day 8. I am dying inside because I’m afraid they’re going to ask me to pull life support. The meeting turns out to be all good news. They say that my father can breath on his own when they turn the machines down. Worst case scenario he will go to a nursing home. Best case he will go home and need help. And then they ask with that diagnosis do you want to keep going with treatment. I was confused. They tell me that some family members will choose not to because they don’t want to take care of them. Then they ask me to sign a DNR. They say even though his body is responding if he doesn’t wake up there’s nothing they can do. I look around the room at my siblings and my mom. I ask Tim what he thinks. No one can help me. No one knows what to do. I decline to sign the DNR and tell them we will revisit the situation on Day 10. Jessica reads some articles about how it takes some people 10 days to wake up. I avoid the hospital on Day 10. He doesn’t wake up and I’m afraid they’re gonna ask me to sign a DNR again. Hospice has been to our room. The lady tells Sam that if my dad ever wakes up he’ll have the mind of a newborn. Tim calls hospice and has her removed from our case.

On Day 11 around 6:30 I’m singing country music to my dad. I can see his eyes moving under his eyelids. I turn the music off and start talking about old times. I bring up my red mustang and he opens his eyes. I’m dying as I write this because I remember how happy I was. So full of hope and faith. I started screaming. I run down the hallways screaming praise Jesus! The nurses come running. It’s only been 11 days but these people are family now. We are all hugging. His nurse goes to his bedside and yells “Tom” and he turns his head and opens his eyes and they yell for the doctor. The doctor comes in and says his name. Tells him to open and shut his eyes. Then he looks at me and smiles. He says this is good but he has a very long hard road ahead. And he leaves. He was right. The road would be very long and very hard. I call all my siblings and I send them video. They all come to the hospital and we breath a sigh of relief.

In the next 5 months we will celebrate the birth of my son, Silas and the death of my father. We will cry tears of joy the first time my dad speaks. I will video every milestone he makes. He will get better and then as I’m shopping for my girls birthday party supplies on July 25th I will get a call that he started puking and aspirated. Later that week he gets pneumonia. He will get it 3 times. I have to tell my father who is working so hard to learn to do new things that his body is not working. He will learn to write with a marker, sing karaoke to Pretty Woman, stick out his tongue, blow kisses, shake hands, speak, raise his arms to his head and lift his feet off the bed but I will have to tell him it’s not enough.

When I tell him we both cry. He chooses to go to hospice. He sees Tim and reaches out his hand for a shake and then he cries and Tim cries. And I ask him again about hospice to be sure.

I don’t know how I survived. I have so much more to write.

This is a day with Grace.

She wanted her owl to have small eyes. I said but Grace we just learned the reason owls have big eyes is so they can see better in the dark. We get in a whole thing about it. She gets sassy with me. I walk away because mmm I’m not ruining my day over owl eyes…

Timmys like oh mommm grace finished her owl… like he’s telling on her.

She’s says look my owl has sunglasses on 😎

Lortttttttttttt give me the strength

Today’s drama. How is it that she’s only 6 and we are already having these conversations.

So Timmy just comes over to me saying grace is saying that BRYNN is timmys girlfriend.

Ummmmm

So Im not sure at this point if they know what that means but maybe bc theyve watched barbie. so I say no boyfriends or girlfriends in this house we just have friends.

“But mom Brynn told me she loves Timmy”

Well that’s nice grace but Brynns mommy and your mommy only allow for regular friends.

Grace starts crying

“Didn’t you have a boyfriend”

Yes when I was 17. When you’re 17 you can have a boyfriend.

Starts hysterics. Full on crying becauseeeee She already has a boyfriend.

I die a little. I’m like whooooo is your boyfriend.

Max